Banking jokes and jokes about bankers as doctors have long held the belief that humour is good for us. It helps us deal with problems when we feel that there is nothing that we can do to help relieve a bad situation. We have all had a few of those lately....

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" banking machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their cars. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

MALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.

* 2 Put down your car window.

* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

* 6 Wind window up.

* 7 Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to cash machine.

* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.

* 3 Set parking brake, Put the window down.

* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

* 5 Turn the radio down.

* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.

* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.

* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

* 9 Insert card.

* 10 Re-insert card the right side up

* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

* 12 Enter PIN.

* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

* 14 Enter amount of cash required.

* 15 Check lipstick is still in place in rear view mirror.

* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.

* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

* 18 Place receipt in back of handbag


* 19 Re-check make-up again.

* 20 Drive forwards 1 metre.

* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.

* 22 Retrieve card.

* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.

* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.

* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

* 27 Release Parking Brake.


What's the definition of optimism?
An Investment Banker ironing 5 shirts on a Sunday morning.

What is the one thing Wall St and the Olympics have in common?
Synchronised diving
 
How many commodities traders does it take to change a light bulb?
 None, they don't change bulbs; but the trading price of darkness plummets due to oversupply
 
What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't short-sell anything?
Quarter pounder with fries please

Mum decided that Emma should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mum suggested. Emma was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," mum said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Emma was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'